When Alexa met Amelia at an event, she felt an instant kinship. They had so much in common—they were both in their mid-30s, both working at wellness startups, and both reeling from recent breakups. They exchanged numbers and started texting immediately. Their first “date” was at a neighborhood wine bar where they sipped vermouth and commiserated about the terrible thrill of being single again. Soon after, they were hanging out all the time—pilates on Tuesday mornings, dinner on Friday nights, takeout in Alexa’s living room on hungover Sunday afternoons. “We were so alike and in such similar life stages; our friendship felt almost cosmically aligned,” Alexa says.
That is, until about a year in, when Alexa started to sense that something about their dynamic wasn’t quite right. For one, Amelia’s problems had started to dominate their conversations—how much she hated her new boss, how she thought her new apartment was a dump, how frustrated she was that yet another guy she liked hadn’t texted her back. It seemed like her grievances were all they ever talked about now.
“It was all legitimate and I wanted to be supportive, but I started to feel drained whenever we hung out,” Alexa explains. “She rarely asked how I was, and if she did, somehow the topic always shifted back to herself. I started to feel like a therapist, not a best friend.”
Still, Alexa stuck it out. She figured everyone has bad months, and, anyway, they used to have so much fun. Maybe things would turn around. Then, Alexa landed a new job: a top position at her dream company. Naturally, Amelia was the first person she called. “I expected her to be excited for me, but all she said was, ‘Well, I’m not surprised. I’ve heard they hire anyone.’”
Alexa was stunned. After all, Amelia knew how much time she had spent preparing for each interview; how badly she’d wanted this job. “When I told her my feelings were hurt, she got kind of mad. She said that I was being too sensitive.”
The exchange was a wake-up call. Alexa began reconsidering other moments she’d previously brushed off—how Amelia would sometimes cancel plans last-minute or make little jabs. Had their friendship always been this way? Or had something fundamental changed? And what, exactly, should she do about it?
It’s a familiar dilemma for anyone who’s watched a once-close friendship turn unexpectedly fraught. After all, even the healthiest relationships have their ups and downs. So how do you distinguish a run-of-the-mill rough patch from a truly toxic dynamic? Here, psychologists and relationship experts provide insight on how to navigate the rocky terrain of a toxic friendship.
